Mistake?

Everything is different now.

Nothing is the same.

Everyone is all but a blur to me now.

I can't concentrate.

I can't think.
I can only act; my mind's on auto-drive.

Life was fun.

My excitement is over.

My fun is now ending.

The life I once knew,

was just a life my future taunted me with.

Saying "this is what you could have.."

I don't know what to do anymore.
I tried to change,

honestly I did.

But I cannot be something I am not.

Its like putting you into a different world.
A world where you are extremely uncomfortable.

I am only saying I want to be treated the way I need to be treated.

No special treatments.

No black sheep treatments.

Just me.

Everyone can do it,

why can't you?!

I don't understand.

Help me see through your eyes.

I want to see the world through your pupils.

Because apparently, I am blind.

You see,

it's a simple task,

just wave a wand and say goodbye to your worries.

I sometimes think..

Maybe, just maybe..

The world would be better off without this Cesar.

There's so many other Cesar's out there.

Why do you need this one?

Why waste my time anymore?

It's not worth it.

I have so much support.
I can't fall without a friend or a family member picking me up..

But see the thing is,

that family member isn't fully related to me;

Cousin, Aunt, Uncle, etc.

The support that I need isn't there.

I am falling,

falling like Jenga pieces,

 I cannot support myself up.
I need my full-blooded family to support me.

But they are blind.

Blinded by religion, embarrassement, and humiliation.

I need them to accept me.

If not, its a broken heart.

A broken heart that cannot be healed.
A broken heart caused by not a stranger,

but a loved one.

I have been broken hearted many times.

By strangers and close ones.

I have healed, almost all the way.

But this,

heartache,

is not healable.

I cry myself to sleep, you know?

I can't help it.

All the words,

they get to me.

I have MANY walls,

some of which are impossible to tear down,

but those people who say those hurtful words;

know how to tear them down, and they're doing a damn good job at it too!

I am strong person.

I am.

But can only stand so much.

I love my friends.

They are there 24/7.
If I need anything, I know who to turn to.

I said this before, I cannot go one day without talking to them.

They are there, but I don't need friends.

Mean as it is, I need family.

Thanksgiving is coming.

I don't want it to.

First holiday without her.

Just seems odd.

Then to top it off, my mother won't be there.

I can't stand it!

All this emotion is just driving me mad!

I shall skip out.

Just remain alone.

Alone like I am destined to be.

I shall be happy that way.

I hate myself.

That's the honest truth.

I come out as a confident person,

but it's just an image I put up.

I am not comfortable with myself.

I hate my skin.

Hate my eyes.

Hate my smile.

Hate my body.

Hate myself.

I love myself, yes,

but I am not comfortable.
It's a secret I hold to myself (and now you).

Yesterday,

I watched a movie with Peter and James.

I absolutely loved the movie.

It's called Letter's to God.

Its about a child who has cancer.

He writes letters to God everyday, asking Him, praying, and thanking Him.

All the time, James and Peter just kept making fun of the movie.

I don't believe in God.

But I believe in a god.

But because I don't believe, doesn't mean I approve of making fun of Him.

The movie reminded me so much of my grandmother.

It was trully an amazing movie.
I almost started crying,

but remembered where I was and drew back the tears.

I miss her so much.

I can't go to Thanksgiving..

I mustn't.

I promised myself no more tears
I know if I go, I will be guaranteed to cry.

Even now, as I write these words,

I am beginning to tear up.

I can't stand crying.

I don't like seeing myself cry.

I feel horrible.

I miss my grandmother.
I miss my mother.

I miss my father.
and I am beginning to miss my sister.

I should have never been born.

My mother said that when I was being born,

she was on the verge of dying.

She told me yesterday that she would have rather died that day,

than to have a gay son.

That hurts.

A lot.

I just wanted to die when she said that.

I am a mistake.
Said by my mother.

Said by my father.

Twice in my lifetime its' been said,

I am beginning to believe it.

I hate life.

Simple.

Until life ends;

I shall keep dragging my ass around.

^^Such as true statement.

Just thought I would share it with you.

November 17, 2010

It's odd. I don't know how to explain it, but recently a friend woke me up. She had brought up the fact that I have been guarded to her, my best friend, and that I needed to be more open. Something I have been trying to do for more than half my life. But the fact that my best friend tells me this, makes me think that maybe my walls have been to tall for people to get over. I mean, when two people say they are best friends, doesn't that mean that those people at least know the juicy-ness of each other? I haven't been completely honest with her, and I apologize.

I have said this once, twice, probably a billion times; my friends mean the world to me. But I have a problem opening up to people. I am not used to telling someone what I feel every time an obstacle comes up. It's not something I can just do; believe me I have tried and have gotten either hurt or weird looks.

I have a total of about 6 best friends. Only which of 4 and maybe half of which know my true colors. I have expressed myself and confided in these people to keep my secrets; that if they decide to one day turn on me, I have no clue what I would do. These 4 (maybe 4 and 1/2) know my every move, my every thought; my life.. well as much as I want to tell them anyway. I would love to be open about my every thought, my every emotion, but to me that's like handing you my heart and you having control over my every move. I am not used to being a puppet, I don't like it when people have control of what I do. Now, I am not saying that my best friends are going to do this, but one never knows when a friend will turn. I love you guys, but I do have to keep my guard up, even if it is 1%.

I do have one good thing out of this: I promise that I will be more open and and actually tell you guys when something is bothering me. Usually when someone asks me if something is wrong and something is usually wrong, I tend to close up and say every things okay. Well no more, I am going to try to seek help with problems, unless they're tiny and I can deal with them myself (HINT HINT COOPER BAREFIELD) :D
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