February 13, 2012

Well, today was definitely a big blur.. I honestly don't know what happened last night. Last night was the drag show in Gainesville, Texas and honestly it went great. I had great laughs, and got to see my (ex now) boyfriend for a bit. It was nice, I missed him.

I don't know where to begin to talk about him.. He's honestly the best guy I have ever met in a long time. I can't see myself without him.. We met one year ago, and it was an amazing day. I never knew love was so strong until I met him. I was not intending to fall in love with someone, was just looking for a guy at the moment that could make me happy inside and out.. but honestly, I knew he was different when I met him. We met at a hookah lounge and it was like the fourth of july inside a hookah lounge. The next day we went on a first date and everything was amazing. He was a true gentleman. A year later we were engaged, and I was so excited to have found someone I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.. what else could go wrong right? Wrong.

A little after our one year anniversary, we broke up. We had a break in the relationship and it was pure torture. Every waking moment, I would stalk his facebook just to see if he was feeling the pain that I was feeling, but with every facebook stalk I did, I always got the same result; he didn't seem to post anything. I was so broken hearted about our break. Every night, I would cry myself to sleep. I would have dreams about us, laying in bed, snuggling, laughing about the smallest thing, times when I would just stay up later than him and I remember I could just stare at his face for hours.. but then I woke up and felt even worse. We ended up getting back together, but honestly it didn't feel the same. He was different, I was different; and it was stressing our relationship. A week after we got the relationship going back again, we ended up breaking up again..

I had drank to much, and gotten drunk after saying I wouldn't. That is what hurt him the worst. I didn't think that it would be a big deal since, I thought he was drinking too and he had drank before and I didn't know about it. But it ended up having a bigger impact than what I thought it would have.
Honestly, breaking up hurts more than what people say it does. It's not just mental pain, but it causes physical pain. It's only been about 12 hours since we broke up, but honestly all the hours just blurred together. All that ran through my mind, was him. I couldn't think straight. I caught myself, zoning out and thinking about the amazing times we had together.

I remember the first date. The butterflies. The thoughts that ran through my head when we departed after the first date. Our first official slow dance on our anniversary. The day he proposed.
Everything just rolled into my head, and I couldn't do anything right. When he and I were talking, when he broke up with me, I couldn't help but cry. My heart was shattering the instant he said the awful words. My mind was racing, and I couldn't control my emotions. I had managed to control myself when he was next to me, but the instant reality hit when he stepped out of the vehicle, I officially broke down. I bawled all the way to Denton. I cried on the phone, and honestly am crying now. I still have hope, hope that one day we will be together. But with all the people around me telling me that it's a dumb wish to have, and that I should just start to move on, I can't help myself.

I know that I truly hurt him, more than I wish I had. If I had the chance, I would rather just take his pain, and just take it for him. When he's hurt, my day just gets ruined. I truly am in love with him, and it's something my friends don't understand. They don't see what I see. They don't feel what I feel. They don't know what I know.
They think, that because he says he needs time, that that automatically gives me the opportunity to move on. I can't move on when the person who, still to this day, owns my heart, is in pain and it's for something that I did.

What hurts the most?
That he won't even talk to me. That he keeps to himself, and I don't know how he is doing. That I know if he is okay or not.
I wish we were still together. I want us to work out, but honestly space from each other is not the way. I can't heal by myself. I need to be with him, that's the only way I can fully heal. But he doesn't seem to understand that. He thinks that time alone, is the best option, and honestly it hurts to know that that's what he thinks.

I miss his warm hugs. I miss his kiss. I miss his laugh. I miss him. He is everything I think about.
My friend, say that I am dumb for having hope and waiting for him, but when my heart sings a tune that I can't seem but to sway to, it's all I can do. It physically hurts, to not have him next to me. I can't function if I don't speak to him. God, how I miss him! He's my world, and with him not being by my side, it honestly feels like the world shattered.

But I know I have to be strong.. Have to be strong and show that it doesn't bother me. I have to learn to get my wall back up and start to learn to walk by myself again. I need to learn that maybe one day, I will have to let go for good.. As much as I pray that it won't happen, but I have to learn to accept that.