December 5, 2010.

I hate you.

It's said.

I can't hide it any longer.

I cannot believe its out.

Breathe.

That's what I need to do.

But how can I breathe when you have your hands around my neck?

How can you tell me to be calm, when you're the one that's more stressed out?

I can't keep doing this.

It's like everywhere I turn,

drama.

Left.

Right.

Drama.

I can't keep continue pretending.

Pretending to be someone I am not.

Having two faces.

Putting on one around others.

I understand that your life is kind of bad at the moment,

but it's not an excuse to take it out on us.

I'm tired of being your punch bag.

If I had the chance,

I would love to take all your worries away.

But until then,

please grow the balls and please deal with it.

Life's a sun.

Take the rays

handle it the way you want.

Don't get burned.

Always be happy.
Show the mask that you put on so well.

Don't let the peers see the pain.

Always, always, always

smile..

Mistake?

Everything is different now.

Nothing is the same.

Everyone is all but a blur to me now.

I can't concentrate.

I can't think.
I can only act; my mind's on auto-drive.

Life was fun.

My excitement is over.

My fun is now ending.

The life I once knew,

was just a life my future taunted me with.

Saying "this is what you could have.."

I don't know what to do anymore.
I tried to change,

honestly I did.

But I cannot be something I am not.

Its like putting you into a different world.
A world where you are extremely uncomfortable.

I am only saying I want to be treated the way I need to be treated.

No special treatments.

No black sheep treatments.

Just me.

Everyone can do it,

why can't you?!

I don't understand.

Help me see through your eyes.

I want to see the world through your pupils.

Because apparently, I am blind.

You see,

it's a simple task,

just wave a wand and say goodbye to your worries.

I sometimes think..

Maybe, just maybe..

The world would be better off without this Cesar.

There's so many other Cesar's out there.

Why do you need this one?

Why waste my time anymore?

It's not worth it.

I have so much support.
I can't fall without a friend or a family member picking me up..

But see the thing is,

that family member isn't fully related to me;

Cousin, Aunt, Uncle, etc.

The support that I need isn't there.

I am falling,

falling like Jenga pieces,

 I cannot support myself up.
I need my full-blooded family to support me.

But they are blind.

Blinded by religion, embarrassement, and humiliation.

I need them to accept me.

If not, its a broken heart.

A broken heart that cannot be healed.
A broken heart caused by not a stranger,

but a loved one.

I have been broken hearted many times.

By strangers and close ones.

I have healed, almost all the way.

But this,

heartache,

is not healable.

I cry myself to sleep, you know?

I can't help it.

All the words,

they get to me.

I have MANY walls,

some of which are impossible to tear down,

but those people who say those hurtful words;

know how to tear them down, and they're doing a damn good job at it too!

I am strong person.

I am.

But can only stand so much.

I love my friends.

They are there 24/7.
If I need anything, I know who to turn to.

I said this before, I cannot go one day without talking to them.

They are there, but I don't need friends.

Mean as it is, I need family.

Thanksgiving is coming.

I don't want it to.

First holiday without her.

Just seems odd.

Then to top it off, my mother won't be there.

I can't stand it!

All this emotion is just driving me mad!

I shall skip out.

Just remain alone.

Alone like I am destined to be.

I shall be happy that way.

I hate myself.

That's the honest truth.

I come out as a confident person,

but it's just an image I put up.

I am not comfortable with myself.

I hate my skin.

Hate my eyes.

Hate my smile.

Hate my body.

Hate myself.

I love myself, yes,

but I am not comfortable.
It's a secret I hold to myself (and now you).

Yesterday,

I watched a movie with Peter and James.

I absolutely loved the movie.

It's called Letter's to God.

Its about a child who has cancer.

He writes letters to God everyday, asking Him, praying, and thanking Him.

All the time, James and Peter just kept making fun of the movie.

I don't believe in God.

But I believe in a god.

But because I don't believe, doesn't mean I approve of making fun of Him.

The movie reminded me so much of my grandmother.

It was trully an amazing movie.
I almost started crying,

but remembered where I was and drew back the tears.

I miss her so much.

I can't go to Thanksgiving..

I mustn't.

I promised myself no more tears
I know if I go, I will be guaranteed to cry.

Even now, as I write these words,

I am beginning to tear up.

I can't stand crying.

I don't like seeing myself cry.

I feel horrible.

I miss my grandmother.
I miss my mother.

I miss my father.
and I am beginning to miss my sister.

I should have never been born.

My mother said that when I was being born,

she was on the verge of dying.

She told me yesterday that she would have rather died that day,

than to have a gay son.

That hurts.

A lot.

I just wanted to die when she said that.

I am a mistake.
Said by my mother.

Said by my father.

Twice in my lifetime its' been said,

I am beginning to believe it.

I hate life.

Simple.

Until life ends;

I shall keep dragging my ass around.

^^Such as true statement.

Just thought I would share it with you.

November 17, 2010

It's odd. I don't know how to explain it, but recently a friend woke me up. She had brought up the fact that I have been guarded to her, my best friend, and that I needed to be more open. Something I have been trying to do for more than half my life. But the fact that my best friend tells me this, makes me think that maybe my walls have been to tall for people to get over. I mean, when two people say they are best friends, doesn't that mean that those people at least know the juicy-ness of each other? I haven't been completely honest with her, and I apologize.

I have said this once, twice, probably a billion times; my friends mean the world to me. But I have a problem opening up to people. I am not used to telling someone what I feel every time an obstacle comes up. It's not something I can just do; believe me I have tried and have gotten either hurt or weird looks.

I have a total of about 6 best friends. Only which of 4 and maybe half of which know my true colors. I have expressed myself and confided in these people to keep my secrets; that if they decide to one day turn on me, I have no clue what I would do. These 4 (maybe 4 and 1/2) know my every move, my every thought; my life.. well as much as I want to tell them anyway. I would love to be open about my every thought, my every emotion, but to me that's like handing you my heart and you having control over my every move. I am not used to being a puppet, I don't like it when people have control of what I do. Now, I am not saying that my best friends are going to do this, but one never knows when a friend will turn. I love you guys, but I do have to keep my guard up, even if it is 1%.

I do have one good thing out of this: I promise that I will be more open and and actually tell you guys when something is bothering me. Usually when someone asks me if something is wrong and something is usually wrong, I tend to close up and say every things okay. Well no more, I am going to try to seek help with problems, unless they're tiny and I can deal with them myself (HINT HINT COOPER BAREFIELD) :D
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New things, new plans: New Life? (October 25, 2010)

You know what's odd? The fact that I can be sitting here in the Library and the strangers around me don't get my story nor know it. The fact that when someone looks at me, I smile, they see my smile and just smile back; they see my mask. Its something I am good at; showing my mask to everyone and making them think I am someone who isn't torn down easily. When inside, my heart is torn. My soul aches. and my spirit is slowly dying. I can't do anything right anymore. My family is ashamed of what I am, I feel like I am losing friends; I can't can't keep my mask up all the time.

I choose to be like this because I don't have another choice. I have to be like this because I don't know life outside this. I am gay, and happy about it. I can't understand why people don't understand that. My mother and father have given me a time period of when I have to show them "straight" signs. My mother said that if I show signs of improvements that she will reward me. I feel like a fucking child! I don't want to be rewarded for something that I don't want to do! I can't do this!! I just want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be able to live my life my way, and not the way my parents say I should.

Everytime my mother speaks to me, she says that she is the mother that brought me to this world. The person in charge of me. The person who had the choice to either give me life or death. Quite frankly if that was the choice, then why give me life? Is life good after this? Does it get easier? Easy answer; no. I have had many thoughts of ending my life. Of just ending it once and for all; but I can't do that. I have a purpose in my life; to help the people around me to become better people. I made this goal a long time ago and I am keeping my promise to myself.

It's difficult to live a life where the people you look up to, bash you and tell you the life you are living is wrong. I have no idea of what I am going to do. I tried reaching out to someone, someone I like. But that was a mistake. He just wanted to talk about us, and where what I reminded him and brought happiness to him. I DON'T CARE! I am hurt and I am depressed, the last fucking thing I want to hear is how I made you happy by saying yes to us being in a relationship; something I should have said no to.

I am not saying I don't want to be in your life nor that I want you to leave mine. But this, this thing you call a relationship, isn't mutual. I like you, yes. But I can't be in a relationship with you. I have told you this many times, and will continue to tell you this until it gets through your fucking hard head! Just because we are dating, doesn't mean you can hold my hand and kiss me whenever you fucking want to! I am debating whether to keep you in my life and you are making that decision difficult.

I have walls. I have barriers. I have gotten hurt by putting them down. I have been to naive and stupid by thinking that maybe I can trust people. I have made a decision, after thinking for nearly 3 hours last night.
-- Even though it may hurt my friends and family. Even though, I may lose some of my friends. I have to do this. I am going to completely shut down. Shut everything that connects me to the world down. I will have contact with them, but only if they contact me. I have to have time to myself and time to deal with this shit. Time to make space from the world, time to make the world see the real me; not the mirage. I cannot express the feelings that I go through in my household. Its not something I wish anyone to go through. By shutting down, I can maybe re-build those walls that were brought down. Maybe I can make myself stronger by making my walls stronger. Its not something I wish to do, its something I feel like I have to do. I have cried many nights; and I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling depressed and making the people who are around me depressed. I am extremely sorry for my friends who will be effected by this. I hope that in the end, you will be still my friends.

I don't know where my life will lead me. I just have to walk along in the dark, banging walls and trying to find my way around. In the journey I will make friends and lose some. But only the true friends will stick with me to the end. I am surrounded by wonderful people, and even though my parents believe I have made mistakes in the friendships I chose, I love you all very much.

October 8, 2010

-There is a new reason for me to start believing in happiness. I cannot express how happy I am in just words. Its like there is a new force that just wants me to be happy but I am always doubting the fact that I can be happy. Just when I was giving up hope, you showed up. You made my nights seem like day. It hasn't been done before but you found a way to get inside my mind. To get into my mind in a way that's not intrusive, a way that you are just wondering what's going on; in a away of curiosity.

-In the past I have not opened up so easily. I have tried but ended up getting hurt. It's not something I have a  choice in doing; it's a way to protect myself. I can't just open up to you; you have to earn it. Its difficult to explain and I ask you to be patient. I am flattered that you are trusting me and opening up but I cannot do the same. I can promise you something though, I will open up just a smudge; enough for you to get a taste. I wish there was a way for us to be something constant in the future; I cannot predict the future but I will promise you that I will try not to mess it up.

Aiyana Zihuatanejo

Life is interesting now.

I don't wake up to find emptiness.

I don't wake up to find loneliness.

I have a new friend.

A new BEST friend.

 

Her name is Aiyana.

She is amazing.

I envied her for a while..

everything she did was awesome,

I was jealous.

I thought;

Why couldn't I be like her?

Why couldn't I make everyone around me happy?

Why couldn't I be happy?

Then I thought,

Why am I asking myself these questions?

I should just stop being jealous of this person

and just do something about it.

I've been through hell and back

Why can't I have a great life like her's?

Then I got to know her.

I got to see what her life was.

I didn't envy her anymore.

I saw her as I see everyone;

A human.

She makes mistakes, just like us.

She has 'boo-boos'; just like us.

She is happy; just.. like.. me.

She and I clicked on the first day.

We just saw eye to eye on everything.

She makes life for me, more fun.

She's my straight 'girlfriend'

I do everything with her. 

I love spending time with this chick, 

I love her view of life;

love her view of others;

love her view of the world around her;

love that she appreciates how small life is;

love that she can make everyone smile with just her smile;

love that she is amazingly talented;

love that her beauty bounces off of her and she knows it but doesn't taunt it;

love that she is this human being that understands life;

love that she doesn't take life for granted;

love that she is always wanting to do new things;

love that she is adventurous;

love that she loves everyone, including herself;

love that she takes the world by her hands and doesn't hog it;

love the bond we share;

love the connection we see;

love the jealous hate a few people have towards us;

love that I can just come to her whenever I need help;

love that I can just spend the whole day with her and not get fed up;

love that she is willing to let a complete stranger into her life and become their best friend.

I can't see my life without this chick.

She's to much of a wonderful human being to lose.

I have said it before and I say it again, I will take a bullet for this chick.

I am grateful for this person.

I cannot believe that she is my friend.

She has this glow about her;

Which is love.

She can make a dull black blob,

and transform it into this wonderful colorful image.

She goes through the bad and the good.

But always has a smile so big, you can't help but smile back.

I know that she can make the world happy.

She is going to change the world for the better,

and all she has to do is be herself 

and the rest will fall into place.

Nothing we do is perfect.

It's the way we do it that makes perfection;

The way we get to that final point.

We take life for granted sometimes,

but it's always great to have friends by your side to remind you why life is so wonderful.

If I am to die tomorrow,

I will die happy.

I have great friends;

I have a great life;

I have a passion I can life for;

I have supporters.

Yet my family is crooked,

I can depend on you to make me smile.

I enjoy being there when Aiyana is going through the bad;

it sounds bad, but only to make her smile and laugh in the end.

She is my best friend.

I love her to death.

Aiyana

You will do great things.

Keep smiling at the world,

and watch it smile back. 

You make the world happy.

You are always happy;

even if you're going through bad things.

You know that I am here.

Rain or shine;

Through the fog;

I will get through any obstacle to help you.

My mission in life;

is to help with my friends in being happy.

<3.

Okay, so recently I had gotten some contacts and this is what they look like :)

May 21, 2010

Monday, you say you're disgusted.

Tuesday, you shut up.

Wednesday, your vision starts to blur.

Thursday, you make up excuses.

Friday, you continue to forget.

I tried my hardest to please you.

Your nothing but perfection to me.

I can't believe you are actually disgusted by me.

My body aches for your voice, touch, and smell.

I want to know if we are okay?

What was it that I did wrong?

Did I not give you what you wanted?
Am not good enough?
WHAT?!
In all honesty, you are the best thing that happened to me.

I cannot believe you are no longer interested.
Why didn't I speak up when I had the chance?

Why can't I just tell you now?!

I want to just call you and tell you what I feel

but I cannot.

I can't be blunt to someone I care for.
I care for you.

Is it because I can't make up my mind?

Is it because I always want you to decide?

Is it because my thoughts mean nothing?

I like your decisions.

I like what you choose.

I enjoy being in your presence.
I enjoy watching you scan my face for thoughts.

I like you.

Why is that so difficult?

Why can't you just open your eyes and see me?
Why can't you just tell me what's on your mind?

I am not disgusting.
I am sorry.

Sorry for everything I did.
Sorry for everything I didn't do.

I am sorry for all the damage I did.
There isn't a bandaid big enough to cover your wounds.

I am sorry for everything.

If you ever decide to talk to me.

I will be here.

If you ever decide to finish it.
I will be here.
I am here for you, no matter what.

I like you.

Nothing will change it.

You can insult me.

You can be disgusted by me.

You can tell me I am bad at everything.
You can stop talking to me forever.

I still like you!