You know what's odd? The fact that I can be sitting here in the Library and the strangers around me don't get my story nor know it. The fact that when someone looks at me, I smile, they see my smile and just smile back; they see my mask. Its something I am good at; showing my mask to everyone and making them think I am someone who isn't torn down easily. When inside, my heart is torn. My soul aches. and my spirit is slowly dying. I can't do anything right anymore. My family is ashamed of what I am, I feel like I am losing friends; I can't can't keep my mask up all the time.
I choose to be like this because I don't have another choice. I have to be like this because I don't know life outside this. I am gay, and happy about it. I can't understand why people don't understand that. My mother and father have given me a time period of when I have to show them "straight" signs. My mother said that if I show signs of improvements that she will reward me. I feel like a fucking child! I don't want to be rewarded for something that I don't want to do! I can't do this!! I just want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be able to live my life my way, and not the way my parents say I should.
Everytime my mother speaks to me, she says that she is the mother that brought me to this world. The person in charge of me. The person who had the choice to either give me life or death. Quite frankly if that was the choice, then why give me life? Is life good after this? Does it get easier? Easy answer; no. I have had many thoughts of ending my life. Of just ending it once and for all; but I can't do that. I have a purpose in my life; to help the people around me to become better people. I made this goal a long time ago and I am keeping my promise to myself.
It's difficult to live a life where the people you look up to, bash you and tell you the life you are living is wrong. I have no idea of what I am going to do. I tried reaching out to someone, someone I like. But that was a mistake. He just wanted to talk about us, and where what I reminded him and brought happiness to him. I DON'T CARE! I am hurt and I am depressed, the last fucking thing I want to hear is how I made you happy by saying yes to us being in a relationship; something I should have said no to.
I am not saying I don't want to be in your life nor that I want you to leave mine. But this, this thing you call a relationship, isn't mutual. I like you, yes. But I can't be in a relationship with you. I have told you this many times, and will continue to tell you this until it gets through your fucking hard head! Just because we are dating, doesn't mean you can hold my hand and kiss me whenever you fucking want to! I am debating whether to keep you in my life and you are making that decision difficult.
I have walls. I have barriers. I have gotten hurt by putting them down. I have been to naive and stupid by thinking that maybe I can trust people. I have made a decision, after thinking for nearly 3 hours last night.
-- Even though it may hurt my friends and family. Even though, I may lose some of my friends. I have to do this. I am going to completely shut down. Shut everything that connects me to the world down. I will have contact with them, but only if they contact me. I have to have time to myself and time to deal with this shit. Time to make space from the world, time to make the world see the real me; not the mirage. I cannot express the feelings that I go through in my household. Its not something I wish anyone to go through. By shutting down, I can maybe re-build those walls that were brought down. Maybe I can make myself stronger by making my walls stronger. Its not something I wish to do, its something I feel like I have to do. I have cried many nights; and I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling depressed and making the people who are around me depressed. I am extremely sorry for my friends who will be effected by this. I hope that in the end, you will be still my friends.
I don't know where my life will lead me. I just have to walk along in the dark, banging walls and trying to find my way around. In the journey I will make friends and lose some. But only the true friends will stick with me to the end. I am surrounded by wonderful people, and even though my parents believe I have made mistakes in the friendships I chose, I love you all very much.
I choose to be like this because I don't have another choice. I have to be like this because I don't know life outside this. I am gay, and happy about it. I can't understand why people don't understand that. My mother and father have given me a time period of when I have to show them "straight" signs. My mother said that if I show signs of improvements that she will reward me. I feel like a fucking child! I don't want to be rewarded for something that I don't want to do! I can't do this!! I just want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be able to live my life my way, and not the way my parents say I should.
Everytime my mother speaks to me, she says that she is the mother that brought me to this world. The person in charge of me. The person who had the choice to either give me life or death. Quite frankly if that was the choice, then why give me life? Is life good after this? Does it get easier? Easy answer; no. I have had many thoughts of ending my life. Of just ending it once and for all; but I can't do that. I have a purpose in my life; to help the people around me to become better people. I made this goal a long time ago and I am keeping my promise to myself.
It's difficult to live a life where the people you look up to, bash you and tell you the life you are living is wrong. I have no idea of what I am going to do. I tried reaching out to someone, someone I like. But that was a mistake. He just wanted to talk about us, and where what I reminded him and brought happiness to him. I DON'T CARE! I am hurt and I am depressed, the last fucking thing I want to hear is how I made you happy by saying yes to us being in a relationship; something I should have said no to.
I am not saying I don't want to be in your life nor that I want you to leave mine. But this, this thing you call a relationship, isn't mutual. I like you, yes. But I can't be in a relationship with you. I have told you this many times, and will continue to tell you this until it gets through your fucking hard head! Just because we are dating, doesn't mean you can hold my hand and kiss me whenever you fucking want to! I am debating whether to keep you in my life and you are making that decision difficult.
I have walls. I have barriers. I have gotten hurt by putting them down. I have been to naive and stupid by thinking that maybe I can trust people. I have made a decision, after thinking for nearly 3 hours last night.
-- Even though it may hurt my friends and family. Even though, I may lose some of my friends. I have to do this. I am going to completely shut down. Shut everything that connects me to the world down. I will have contact with them, but only if they contact me. I have to have time to myself and time to deal with this shit. Time to make space from the world, time to make the world see the real me; not the mirage. I cannot express the feelings that I go through in my household. Its not something I wish anyone to go through. By shutting down, I can maybe re-build those walls that were brought down. Maybe I can make myself stronger by making my walls stronger. Its not something I wish to do, its something I feel like I have to do. I have cried many nights; and I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling depressed and making the people who are around me depressed. I am extremely sorry for my friends who will be effected by this. I hope that in the end, you will be still my friends.
I don't know where my life will lead me. I just have to walk along in the dark, banging walls and trying to find my way around. In the journey I will make friends and lose some. But only the true friends will stick with me to the end. I am surrounded by wonderful people, and even though my parents believe I have made mistakes in the friendships I chose, I love you all very much.
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