I have so many things thrown at me. Many directions, left and right. I keep dodging everything with a mask; a mask that is only so strong to be up for a while. I can't continue to be strong. I am terrified to lose control. I am always trying, trying to have that connection of what was between my family. That connection that I cherished the most, is now lost. All because of one dark secret I have held for the majority of my life. That secret that has been living as half of me.
Now that I am comfortable to be able to call my self me, and be proud of what I am, its difficult for my parents to accept my new skin. It's not like I am an alien. I am me. The same old Cesar that went to Borman Elementary/Ginnings Elementary, Strickland Middle School, and Billy Ryan High School. The only difference is, I am now out of high school, I have taken the time, and not focused on school work, to find out who I am and what I am capable of doing in life.
To my mother, she believes that being gay is a sin. Being gay is something I chose.
I didn't choose this life, I was born this way! Sometimes it gets annoying.
Last night, I was to go out and have a good time with friends. Chit chat and catch up over some dinner. My mother refused to let me out, like a child she stood in front of the door and said I am not going anywhere. My father just sat at the kitchen table, silent of course, and ate his dinner. My mother went over to the stove, after locking the front door, and continued to stir the beans (we're Mexican, so we always have beans ☺). She was talking about how I didn't come home New Years and involved my father in it because he did the same. It was odd. For the first time in life, I saw my father back talk to my mother. In my 20 years of living, I have never heard my father's voice have so much anger. My mother was telling my father to tell me something.
He burst out, "I told you! Remember what I told you! I have no say anymore".
My mother said "Why?"
My father responded, "Oh don't act dumb! You know what I said!"
Mom, "No, I don't. Say it! Don't be afraid."
Father, "No, you know what I said, I have no need to repeat myself".
I had no idea what they were speaking of, until I thought about it. It took me a while to catch up on my father's conversation. Ever since I came out to them, my father stopped every sort of activity that would involve me and him. If there was an errand, in the past my mother would always volunteer my father and I, but now my father would always have an excuse to skip out. He couldn't stand to be in the same room as I.
See what my father had talked about to my mother before, this is my theory, is that now that I am openly gay he wants nothing to do with me. He always says means things to me when I am going out. It's not like it bothers me, but hearing things like "die in hell', " have fun with the gays", "you smell like homosexuals", etc., it hurts. I don't let him see that it hurts though. If I have learned something over the years, is that never let a bully show your emotions. They like seeing you in pain. They
love picking on you and seeing you in pain. I always just walk past him, stare at him straight in the eye, and continue to walk. Once, I did back talk, but that's the only time I have.
In the past 3-4 months, since I have came out to them, I learned to harden my shell. I am always guarded. No matter what, doesn't matter who; my guard is always up. I have many walls, many have tried to tear them down, but of course failed. Only a small number of people have seen me, excluding my family, truly happy, with my walls down. Those number of people are the truest friends I have, so they deserve to see what no one has seen in a while.
Of course, if these people break that bond, I have to unfortunately get them out of my life.. for good. Something I hate doing, but am forced to. I don't need to mention names, you guys know who you are.
I wish my parents would just set the fact that I am gay to the side and see that she didn't "give birth to a monster". Last night, when I refused to give my brother's landlord a phone call until my show went on commercial, she said "I don't know you anymore. You are changing before me. You're turning into a monster. I didn't give birth to a monster, I gave birth to a boy. A sweet and innocent boy." I so wanted to back talk, but stopped before I let the anger say something I may regret.
I see other people's parents accept their homosexuality and it hurts, honestly it does. I want that. I want to be able to have a serious conversation to my mother about someone I find interesting. I want to be able to bring a boy home, and my mother and father be excited that I am finding someone, a male, to bring to the home.
But I have to wake up from that fantasy and get back to reality. A reality where life isn't a dream. My parents will never accept me. Sure, they accept that I have a penis and I have a brain, but my likings are out the window.
I have two siblings. A sister and a brother, both older. My sister knows I am gay, and is okay with it. She stood up for my me when my mother tried to bully me one day, a mistake on her part.
My brother has no idea. I am not afraid he will know, I am afraid that he will stop all sort of communication though. I love my brother to death. I honestly, look up to him. He is everything I am not. He's smart, extremely talented, and always sticks to his word.
I have seen my mother stare at my brother with sooo much love. Something she doesn't do to me. She only does it to my sister and him. Have I hurt her that much to take the loving out of her eyes? I don't know, but I want it back.
Life takes you everywhere. Life sometimes takes you by the spine and throws you somewhere where you least expect it to. Somewhere where the life you have now, is no longer the same because of where you are thrown. But because life has thrown a boulder instead a pebble at you, doesn't mean you have to let that stop you from living. Yes life is hard, but you have to keep moving. Put one foot in front of the other. No matter what life throws at you, you have to always have your head high. No one can tear you down. You have control over your life and it's your destiny you choose. Always smile when life is tough, and cry when you need to. Having friends and family, is only just a small prize. Smile with them, laugh with them, and cry with them. They're always there to hold you when you fall. They're always there when you need to be picked up.
I know my friends are.
They have always been there to pick me up. I have laughed a storm with them. I have cried a river with them. They're the best of friends I have asked for. I cannot live without them. Every single one of them, has a different effect on me. Living this journey with them is one thing I cherish the most. They're my family, they're the brothers I don't have. I know they have my back just like I have theirs. I would stand in front of a gun for them. Lose a limb for them. I would take any blame for them.
I can't express my happiness that I have in my heart. My heart has taken so many beatings and been heartbroken so many times; but you, friends, have always healed it back, gotten big bandaids and put them where the cracks were. I cannot believe I have found people who love me for me and not what I am. They accept me for me, and not what I can do or whatever. I am a lucky person to be involved in their lives.
They're my stars to my sky. My sun to my sky. And my dreams. I love you, very much.
