February 13, 2012

Well, today was definitely a big blur.. I honestly don't know what happened last night. Last night was the drag show in Gainesville, Texas and honestly it went great. I had great laughs, and got to see my (ex now) boyfriend for a bit. It was nice, I missed him.

I don't know where to begin to talk about him.. He's honestly the best guy I have ever met in a long time. I can't see myself without him.. We met one year ago, and it was an amazing day. I never knew love was so strong until I met him. I was not intending to fall in love with someone, was just looking for a guy at the moment that could make me happy inside and out.. but honestly, I knew he was different when I met him. We met at a hookah lounge and it was like the fourth of july inside a hookah lounge. The next day we went on a first date and everything was amazing. He was a true gentleman. A year later we were engaged, and I was so excited to have found someone I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.. what else could go wrong right? Wrong.

A little after our one year anniversary, we broke up. We had a break in the relationship and it was pure torture. Every waking moment, I would stalk his facebook just to see if he was feeling the pain that I was feeling, but with every facebook stalk I did, I always got the same result; he didn't seem to post anything. I was so broken hearted about our break. Every night, I would cry myself to sleep. I would have dreams about us, laying in bed, snuggling, laughing about the smallest thing, times when I would just stay up later than him and I remember I could just stare at his face for hours.. but then I woke up and felt even worse. We ended up getting back together, but honestly it didn't feel the same. He was different, I was different; and it was stressing our relationship. A week after we got the relationship going back again, we ended up breaking up again..

I had drank to much, and gotten drunk after saying I wouldn't. That is what hurt him the worst. I didn't think that it would be a big deal since, I thought he was drinking too and he had drank before and I didn't know about it. But it ended up having a bigger impact than what I thought it would have.
Honestly, breaking up hurts more than what people say it does. It's not just mental pain, but it causes physical pain. It's only been about 12 hours since we broke up, but honestly all the hours just blurred together. All that ran through my mind, was him. I couldn't think straight. I caught myself, zoning out and thinking about the amazing times we had together.

I remember the first date. The butterflies. The thoughts that ran through my head when we departed after the first date. Our first official slow dance on our anniversary. The day he proposed.
Everything just rolled into my head, and I couldn't do anything right. When he and I were talking, when he broke up with me, I couldn't help but cry. My heart was shattering the instant he said the awful words. My mind was racing, and I couldn't control my emotions. I had managed to control myself when he was next to me, but the instant reality hit when he stepped out of the vehicle, I officially broke down. I bawled all the way to Denton. I cried on the phone, and honestly am crying now. I still have hope, hope that one day we will be together. But with all the people around me telling me that it's a dumb wish to have, and that I should just start to move on, I can't help myself.

I know that I truly hurt him, more than I wish I had. If I had the chance, I would rather just take his pain, and just take it for him. When he's hurt, my day just gets ruined. I truly am in love with him, and it's something my friends don't understand. They don't see what I see. They don't feel what I feel. They don't know what I know.
They think, that because he says he needs time, that that automatically gives me the opportunity to move on. I can't move on when the person who, still to this day, owns my heart, is in pain and it's for something that I did.

What hurts the most?
That he won't even talk to me. That he keeps to himself, and I don't know how he is doing. That I know if he is okay or not.
I wish we were still together. I want us to work out, but honestly space from each other is not the way. I can't heal by myself. I need to be with him, that's the only way I can fully heal. But he doesn't seem to understand that. He thinks that time alone, is the best option, and honestly it hurts to know that that's what he thinks.

I miss his warm hugs. I miss his kiss. I miss his laugh. I miss him. He is everything I think about.
My friend, say that I am dumb for having hope and waiting for him, but when my heart sings a tune that I can't seem but to sway to, it's all I can do. It physically hurts, to not have him next to me. I can't function if I don't speak to him. God, how I miss him! He's my world, and with him not being by my side, it honestly feels like the world shattered.

But I know I have to be strong.. Have to be strong and show that it doesn't bother me. I have to learn to get my wall back up and start to learn to walk by myself again. I need to learn that maybe one day, I will have to let go for good.. As much as I pray that it won't happen, but I have to learn to accept that.

C.K.B.

December 11, 2010,

Was the day that changed everything. I met the person who I thought would be a complete stranger but was mistaken. He ended up becoming someone I could love. Someone I could care for so much that I would literally drop everything in my path just to make him happy. Never in my 20 years of living on this planet, would I ever think that I would find this kind of person dancing on a pole at Kush Hookah Lounge.

I had gone to Kush

on this night because my plans to hang out with a guy in Dallas, someone I thought I liked, had cancelled on me. I went with friends. We made it a group thing. Just when I thought the amazing time, couldn't be any better; I met two people. My straight wife and my straight girlfriend. We were having an amazing time, but I had to pay. I was paying with my best friend and I noticed that some gay man had gotten on the pole, I had to stay and watch. I loved the fact he was a male dancing in front of a lot of people. He was accompanied by his friends. I was with a friend and I told her to get his attention, I never thought she would actually do it. He came over and we chatted. He introduced himself and the conversation just rolled off the tongue. He and his group sat with us. We chatted and everything, oddly enough, just clicked. The next day we had a date. Ever since then, we have been inseparable. 

People 
didn't always agree with me nor liked the fact that hung out with him, but all of that didn't matter. I was doing something that truly made me happy and I enjoyed every minute of the hour I got to spend with him. I always got stares from my friends, they always told me that he was my 'lapdog', or that he was always copying me; but all that I cared for was that he was there. It was odd when I met him, he was the first person to like me for me; not because I had something hanging between my legs. It was an odd thing for me to see someone so interested in me, not the sex, not the fact that they needed a boyfriend; but me.

January 20, 2011
was the day that we made it official. I remember thinking about the fact that he wanted to be in a relationship so bad that he had asked me twice before I said yes the third time. I remember thinking of ways to ask him. The final thought was to make him go a scavenger hunt. Make him run all over town going to every place I love and getting clues about the next. In every obstacle I would be someone I am close to waiting to give them the next clue. In the end, I would be at Eureka Park waiting, here is where we had our first date, so it was very special to me. But like normal, he was way to anxious to wait for me to ask him. I laughed so hard when I told him the way I had planned to ask him, he was so depressed he didn't wait. 

The thing about him
was not that he was extremely cute, nor that he was sweet, or that everyone said we belonged together; but that he was actually interested in knowing everything about me. I love everything he has to offer. It amazes me everyday when he surprises me with something new. Something he doesn't know (I don't have the guts to tell you in person) is that every time we hang out, I stare at you with amazement. There have been times when he has told me that he is amazed and extremely thankful that someone like me is with him. But I honestly find it shocking and am thankful that someone like him likes someone like me. I see him, he has this beauty that I have always admired in a guy, but usually the guy I am admiring is away from me. But here I have this guy, who is completely handsome from head to toe, and he's totally head over heels for me. I found it completely shocking. I am always staring at him in amazement, see his beauty, and smile when he catches me looking. 

 I love him,
honestly I do. Everything about him, is just more than what I look for in a guy. 
It's like fate  brought us together."  
 I never intended for me to fall in love with him. It was never something I saw coming. I am slowly learning what it means to have someone that loves me for everything that I am.

The more I think about him,

the more my face tends to smile. I love everything about him. l love that I can be a complete goof ball and he will just be a goof ball right back at me. I love that I can crack jokes that are about him and he always knows that I am joking. I love his music, I have never met a singer and I believe he will go far. I have never had so much faith in a person than I have in him. 

Clayton Kendall Bryant
I love you. I am extremely grateful to have found an amazing person to fall in love. I would never change a thing. 

Please be okay..

I got a weird message today. I don't know how to interpret it.
You tell me the words, but I am confused.
I don't understand.
Please be okay.
I would die if anything bad happened.

If you did something that is going to hurt you,
I promise that I will kill you.

I am sitting here.
Typing.
Only one thought running through my mind..

Please be okay.
I beg God,
Please be okay.

I need to talk to you.
Hear you're okay.

I love you.
I don't know what I would do if something bad happened to you.
You have been here for a while now.

 I met you recently, yes I know.
But I care sooo much about you.
I can't lose you.
Please be okay..

About him..

So, I met someone. 
This one is different. I can feel it! I know he's not like the others. I know he's going to be different. I can almost predict it. He's kind of like the only person who can see me for my qualities and not my appearance. He's not like any other person I have met.
When I met him, he was dancing on a pole!! I have never been attracted to anyone who's danced like he did. Usually I tend to think of them as slutty, or just attention whores. I didn't think of this boy like that.
It's almost like we were meant to meet. I can't explain it, but something drew my attention to him. Something about him, I just wanted to know more.
I was with three other girls. Danica, my good friend, made him come to us. Even though I told her I was kidding, inside I was jumping to get his attention. I was shocked by the fact that he stayed to chit chat. I thought, "If the boy stays, I wonder what would happen if I asked him to sit with us?"

The next day..
We ended up meeting up. I drove to Gainesville to meet him. I never drive out to meet someone, I always let them come to me or meet half way. But with him, I knew I should. What did I have to lose? No lie, when I got to Gainesville, I had no clue where I was going. I called him and no answer. He doesn't know this, but after twenty minutes waiting for the call, I turned the car around and got back on I-35 heading home. I was literally on the border of Sanger and the next city close to Gainesville, when he had called. Of course, I turned around and headed his way.

I like this boy.
I can't put my finger on the reason why. But something about him makes me comfortable. He makes me laugh and sometimes calms the chaos around me. Something I can't even do. I can't afford to lose something as big as him. He's not like anything or anyone I have ever met. He has this laughter, that will make you laugh your ass off! I love making him laugh, it makes me happy to know he is at least laughing even though the world around him is horrible. This is different for me. He makes me happy. I have never been truly happy with anyone. Everyone in my past, they just made me happy for a moment. They made me think of them for a split second and then my other thoughts override them. With Clayton, I can't stop thinking about him. Every thought, every movement, every sound; reminds me of him. I can't keep him out. I won't allow him out. I like thinking about him.

I may not be psychic, but I know this..
Clayton is here to stay. I will not let him go without a fight. I have never wanted someone like Clayton, to be in my life down the road, for the long run. I am not sure how long this relationship will last, but I can say this, I am happy where I am now. I will not think of the future and how hectic it is going to be.

"No matter what the world tells you, I am here to stay. I love being with you. Kissing you. Holding you in my arms. Staring at your eyes. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Cesar, I love you." 

Clayton.
I don't know if you will be here tomorrow, the next day, or a year from now. But I do know that every minute we spend together, I promise to be here for you. I can your shoulder to cry on. I can be here for you when you need me. I am always here, rain or shine, love or hate; always. 

So yesterday something bad happened. I had invited my good friend Kris Walker to my other friends Peter Perez's house Friday. I didn't know Aiyana would be angry at me for inviting him to his house. You see Aiyana and Peter don't get along, more like Aiyana doesn't like Peter. Aiyana had texted me last night saying how I was a bad friend and all that good stuff, just because I invited Kris over FB. I don't understand where her anger is coming from. It's odd.

Aiyana and I have never fought before. We met last summer and never fought before. I am afraid that this small stupid fight will hurt things in the future. I don't think I did anything wrong, but according to Aiyana I did. I am lost. I don't know what to do, I can't apologize because I didn't do anything wrong.

She used the Milly example to prove what she meant. In all honesty, Aiyana and I are similar but extremely different. I don't care who my friends hang out with; whether it be my best friends or my worst enemy. Its all the same to me. I don't know what the future holds for me, ever, but as long as I don't lose any friends in the process of getting there, then I am okay with the future.




Honestly, that's what I am afraid of losing. Afraid that one day, the person who I trust the most with my life, will one day drop me and make me fall to the floor. It would be like tearing something that was attached to me and making me live the rest of my life without; eventually I would get used to the empty space, but until then the process would be painful.

New life?

I have so many things thrown at me. Many directions, left and right. I keep dodging everything with a mask; a mask that is only so strong to be up for a while. I can't continue to be strong. I am terrified to lose control. I am always trying, trying to have that connection of what was between my family. That connection that I cherished the most, is now lost. All because of one dark secret I have held for the majority of my life. That secret that has been living as half of me.

Now that I am comfortable to be able to call my self me, and be proud of what I am, its difficult for my parents to accept my new skin. It's not like I am an alien. I am me. The same old Cesar that went to Borman Elementary/Ginnings Elementary, Strickland Middle School, and Billy Ryan High School. The only difference is, I am now out of high school, I have taken the time, and not focused on school work, to find out who I am and what I am capable of doing in life.
To my mother, she believes that being gay is a sin. Being gay is something I chose. I didn't choose this life, I was born this way! Sometimes it gets annoying.

Last night, I was to go out and have a good time with friends. Chit chat and catch up over some dinner. My mother refused to let me out, like a child she stood in front of the door and said I am not going anywhere. My father just sat at the kitchen table, silent of course, and ate his dinner. My mother went over to the stove, after locking the front door, and continued to stir the beans (we're Mexican, so we always have beans ☺). She was talking about how I didn't come home New Years and involved my father in it because he did the same. It was odd. For the first time in life, I saw my father back talk to my mother. In my 20 years of living, I have never heard my father's voice have so much anger. My mother was telling my father to tell me something.
He burst out, "I told you! Remember what I told you! I have no say anymore".
My mother said "Why?"
My father responded, "Oh don't act dumb! You know what I said!"
Mom, "No, I don't. Say it! Don't be afraid."
Father, "No, you know what I said, I have no need to repeat myself".

I had no idea what they were speaking of, until I thought about it. It took me a while to catch up on my father's conversation. Ever since I came out to them, my father stopped every sort of activity that would involve me and him. If there was an errand, in the past my mother would always volunteer my father and I, but now my father would always have an excuse to skip out. He couldn't stand to be in the same room as I.
See what my father had talked about to my mother before, this is my theory, is that now that I am openly gay he wants nothing to do with me. He always says means things to me when I am going out. It's not like it bothers me, but hearing things like "die in hell', " have fun with the gays", "you smell like homosexuals", etc., it hurts. I don't let him see that it hurts though. If I have learned something over the years, is that never let a bully show your emotions. They like seeing you in pain. They love picking on you and seeing you in pain. I always just walk past him, stare at him straight in the eye, and continue to walk. Once, I did back talk, but that's the only time I have.

In the past 3-4 months, since I have came out to them, I learned to harden my shell. I am always guarded. No matter what, doesn't matter who; my guard is always up. I have many walls, many have tried to tear them down, but of course failed. Only a small number of people have seen me, excluding my family, truly happy, with my walls down. Those number of people are the truest friends I have, so they deserve to see what no one has seen in a while.
Of course, if these people break that bond, I have to unfortunately get them out of my life.. for good. Something I hate doing, but am forced to.  I don't need to mention names, you guys know who you are.

I wish my parents would just set the fact that I am gay to the side and see that she didn't "give birth to a monster". Last night, when I refused to give my brother's landlord a phone call until my show went on commercial, she said "I don't know you anymore. You are changing before me. You're turning into a monster. I didn't give birth to a monster, I gave birth to a boy. A sweet and innocent boy." I so wanted to back talk, but stopped before I let the anger say something I may regret.
I see other people's parents accept their homosexuality and it hurts, honestly it does. I want that. I want to be able to have a serious conversation to my mother about someone I find interesting. I want to be able to bring a boy home, and my mother and father be excited that I am finding someone, a male, to bring to the home.
But I have to wake up from that fantasy and get back to reality. A reality where life isn't a dream. My parents will never accept me. Sure, they accept that I have a penis and I  have a brain, but my likings are out the window.

I have two siblings. A sister and a brother, both older. My sister knows I am gay, and is okay with it. She stood up for my me when my mother tried to bully me one day, a mistake on her part.
My brother has no idea. I am not afraid he will know, I am afraid that he will stop all sort of communication though. I love my brother to death. I honestly, look up to him. He is everything I am not. He's smart, extremely talented, and always sticks to his word.
I have seen my mother stare at my brother with sooo much love. Something she doesn't do to me. She only does it to my sister and him. Have I hurt her that much to take the loving out of her eyes? I don't know, but I want it back.

Life takes you everywhere. Life sometimes takes you by the spine and throws you somewhere where you least expect it to. Somewhere where the life you have now, is no longer the same because of where you are thrown. But because life has thrown a boulder instead a pebble at you, doesn't mean you have to let that stop you from living. Yes life is hard, but you have to keep moving. Put one foot in front of the other. No matter what life throws at you, you have to always have your head high. No one can tear you down. You have control over your life and it's your destiny you choose. Always smile when life is tough, and cry when you need to. Having friends and family, is only just a small prize. Smile with them, laugh with them, and cry with them. They're always there to hold you when you fall. They're always there when you need to be picked up.

I know my friends are.

They have always been there to pick  me up. I have laughed a storm with them. I have cried a river with them. They're the best of friends I have asked for. I cannot live without them. Every single one of them, has a different effect on me. Living this journey with them is one thing I cherish the most. They're my family, they're the brothers I don't have. I know they have my back just like I have theirs. I would stand in front of a gun for them. Lose a limb for them. I would take any blame for them.

I can't express my happiness that I have in my heart. My heart has taken so many beatings and been heartbroken so many times; but you, friends, have always healed it back, gotten big bandaids and put them where the cracks were. I cannot believe I have found people who love me for me and not what I am. They accept me for me, and not what I can do or whatever. I am a lucky person to be involved in their lives.
They're my stars to my sky. My sun to my sky. And my dreams. I love you, very much.

December 5, 2010.

I hate you.

It's said.

I can't hide it any longer.

I cannot believe its out.

Breathe.

That's what I need to do.

But how can I breathe when you have your hands around my neck?

How can you tell me to be calm, when you're the one that's more stressed out?

I can't keep doing this.

It's like everywhere I turn,

drama.

Left.

Right.

Drama.

I can't keep continue pretending.

Pretending to be someone I am not.

Having two faces.

Putting on one around others.

I understand that your life is kind of bad at the moment,

but it's not an excuse to take it out on us.

I'm tired of being your punch bag.

If I had the chance,

I would love to take all your worries away.

But until then,

please grow the balls and please deal with it.

Life's a sun.

Take the rays

handle it the way you want.

Don't get burned.

Always be happy.
Show the mask that you put on so well.

Don't let the peers see the pain.

Always, always, always

smile..